The Cheadles’ all-cash offer was accepted over a dozen others because they waived all contingencies, according to their agent, Vera Huffman-Bond, who spoke on the condition that only photos showing her best side be used.
Huffman-Bond suggested that tent living was ideal for buyers on a limited budget. She went on to describe various City-subsidized aesthetic enhancements, including bold exterior paint schemes matching those used by upscale fumigators.
The Cheadles recently discovered some surprising facts about their new residence. “Our son Jeremy is really jazzed about the back yard,” said Sofia, pointing out the generous crop of drought-tolerant native thistles in which Jeremy could both play hide and seek and practice first aid. The thistles also conceal a treasure-trove of antique ordnance from World War II, hastily abandoned by the Army in the 1950s. The site was later saved from toxic superfund designation by a quick-thinking city council.
“The listing agent, George, is a real sweetheart,” Sofia said. “Given the affordable housing designation, he swept for land mines at his own expense.”
Brian Cheadle demonstrated the hand-operated well, conveniently located near the tent’s ornate, zippered front door. “Check it out!” he said, sweating profusely. “This really encourages water conservation.” He then showed off a high-tech electrical outlet at one side of the driveway that was charging the couple’s Tesla Model S sedan.
The Cheadles’ agent, Huffman-Bond, explained that such amenities are only part of the value equation. “Honestly? It all comes down to the quality of local schools,” she said, observing that Jeremy, who would soon start Kindergarten, could enroll in the City’s nationally recognized, character-building K-12 harassment program. “And it doesn’t stop at high school,” she said. “Our community is dedicated to lifelong learning.” She cited a recent study showing that anyone living within a two-mile radius of nearby Stanford University could, with careful choice of luncheon venues, absorb through deep conversation alone the equivalent of a four-year education at a lesser State institution.
Sofia Cheadle offered some insights on how she and her husband had purchased the home despite competition from both frenzied local buyers and motivated international political refugees. “We expected a huge rush at the opening. Vera said the listing agent already had offers sight-unseen that included cash, gold, rare paintings, unwanted teenagers, you name it. So we had to get creative,” she said, smiling mischievously. “The night before the open house, Vera helped us block most of the street parking with orange cones. We were the only ones there on time.” Cheadle described other techniques as well, although Huffman-Bond asked that they not be reprinted here, as she was planning to reveal them in her forthcoming debut novel and accompanying music video.
At press time, Jeremy Cheadle was digging up intact, rusted grenades in the yard.